Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Alone

For the past two months, everybody around me has been pretty happy. Some people have been planning their summer vacations, studying for finals and anticipating summer. Everybody has been happy..except me. I have been in a dark place. I have been alone. I feel like all of the positivity has been drained out of me. I feel like everybody has turned against me and that people have forgotten something they shouldn't forget. I just wish somebody understood me and would stand my my side at home. Sure, my friends are always there for me at school, but unfortunately I can't drag them home with me.

One of my friends is also going through a tough time now, and was quite concerned about me. She told me her story, but I just couldn't share mine. She told me, "I know how your feeling right now. When you walk around these hallways, everybody asks you if you are okay, or if anything is wrong. I got sick of it so just fake a smile. It works for me.." So that's exactly what I did, I faked a smile. I just felt bad that I had to let all my negative energy out on all my friends, they didn't deserve that. They were always so supportive, and I could always count on them to cheer me up. But as the days went by, it became harder and harder to fake a smile. I sometimes lost it in class, sometimes I went to the bathroom for awhile and cried until somebody else came. My teachers and my friends still knew something was up, no matter how hard I tried to hide it.  Lets just say school hasn't really been a cake walk for me the past few months.

..home is another story. Home for me right now is hell. There is no other word to explain it. I just can't act normal anymore. I try my hardest to cope, but I just want to rip and scream and punch everything in sight every time I sit down to eat dinner. Of course I don't do that, so instead of letting it out, I bottle it all up. I know its not good to do that, but I don't see what else to do! I have vented at the dinner table once, and what do I get? I get people telling me that I am being over-dramatic and that what I'm saying doesn't make any sense. Isn't that what venting is? Its just letting out your feelings in any possible way just to get it out of your system? Venting isn't supposed to make sense, and the rest of the people sitting down at the dinner table should know that as well because they also vented as well! They don't get a, "Stop being so dramatic!" or a "That doesn't make any sense." They just get a nice pat on the back and they resolve the problem like there never was one; like life is back to normal. Everybody has almost forgot what happened, and the person who caused all this madness is basically getting away with it. ..and do you want to know what really grinds my gears? The person that did everything is now starting to treat everyone else like garbage! 

Sometimes people aren't who they seem to be, no matter how well or long you've known them. One little thing can change everything. Its just life, and like I have said many times, LIFE SUCKS. At the moment I am living in a stressful, chaotic, loud and dark environment. I know that one day things will get better, but for now I'm just going to have to live with it. Literally.

xx Nathan


21 comments:

  1. this is so deep. you're amazing, nathan.

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  2. YOU ARE SUCH A TALENTED WRITER! I hope everything is okay.

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  3. Thank god for your email notifications! They are so helpful! I hope everything is okay. Thank you for continuing to write amazing pieces of writing! Its amazing that you have so much talent at such a young age!

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  5. Hey Nathan,
    Wow this is amazing, I connect with every single thing you've said here. I'm just carrying a bag of emotions with a fake smile. (:

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  6. Aw Nathan I love you and miss you.
    Ailish

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  7. Yet again, you have impressed me, young man. I am studying English at UOT and I think I'm going to get my teacher to have a look at this if you don't mind. The way you pour your heart out amazes me and you have a bright future ahead of you if you continue writing! I can feel your pain through my screen. I hope you can find happiness in your life very soon. I look forward to reading more. Stay strong.

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    1. Wow! That means so much coming from a student from UOT! It would be an honor if your teacher to read it! Thank you so much! I'm glad your enjoying my writing!

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  8. wow! so talented! thinking of u, sweetums <3

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  9. oh man nathan..............
    yes i agree, it sucks
    dont worry you are not a forever alone, u have friends everywhere :D

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  10. eh man don't need to be so sad.....u got me!!!!!! and i u can invite me whenever....u know once i got so mad i punch a hole in my wall...then covered it up with duck tape...and sometimes i just take a walk or yell and curse....just think about all the funny, awesome and fun times we had together...don't worry everybody's life does get better :)

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  11. just like drink lots and lots of coffee nathan,it works 4 me,lol. We'll always be there 4 u nathan,even if we're not right beside you<3
    Lola<3

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  12. oh Nathan that was amazing! i agree that life sucks, but think of the good things in life and everything will be okay :)

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  13. I can feel your pain Nathan and I know its hard but you just have to fight through it and you will see the light again. May go bless you. xoxo

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  14. Nathan: the truest saying I've ever heard, applicable in every situation, every aspect of life: 'this too will pass'.

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  15. Stay strong, lovey. Your beautiful. ♡♡♡ Always know there is somebody out there watching out for you.

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  16. Hey Naynay :'). This really made me feel heartbroken <\3. You know im always here for you if you are going through some hard times. Its true, life does feel like it sucks sometimes but sometimes, you just got to think about all the amazing times you had with friends and family and that we will always be here for you <3 Love you Naynay :)

    xoxo, Ke$hBuddy ;) <3

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  17. Hey Naynay :'). This really made me feel heartbroken <\3. You know im always here for you if you are going through some hard times. Its true, life does feel like it sucks sometimes but sometimes, you just got to think about all the amazing times you had with friends and family and that we will always be here for you <3 Love you Naynay :)

    xoxo, Ke$hBuddy ;) <3

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  18. love u matter what, kiddo. <3

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  19. You should consider yourself lucky, Mr. Sing. I will always be alone. I am broken.

    "All the King's horses and all the King's men..."

    S.

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